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  5. Why does my 2.5yr old hate me?!?!

Why does my 2.5yr old hate me?!?! Lock Rss

I'm at my wits end with my 2.5yr old. It's really starting to get me down how much he misbehaves for me and refuses to listen to me! As soon as we go out somewhere or he is left with my hubby or we have visitors, he is an angel! I know he can be such a good boy, and I spend so much time with him playing and doing fun activities, yet he insists on doing things he knows is so naughty! Climbing up on glass tables, throwing his toys down the stairs, helping himself to food. (He always has fruit and drink within reach) hitting and biting his younger brother, refusing to listen when I ask him to be quiet or calm down when he's going crazy or if his brother is in bed. Laying on the ground kicking the walls!
I know most of you will just say this is normal two year old behaviour and I pray that it is, but does anyone have any suggestions as to why he is so bad for me and refuses to listen to me at all?
The only way I can get him to listen is to yell at him or give him a smack! And I feel like that is all the time when it's just me at home with the kids! I love him so much and I don't want to be mad at him, I'm not an angry person but he makes me see red sometimes!
He's been a little slower on talking but has picked up a lot more after starting at day care two days a week...
If he wants something he brings it to me and whines, I tell him 'would you like it? Can you say please?' And he just whines and whines and cry's, when I know he can say please! My husband will ask him once and he does it!
Now I'm starting to see our 11month old tantrum exactly how he does... And doing the hysterical scream he does. I don't want to have two boys behaving this way and I don't know what to do to fix it!
I've started naughty corner and he just screams bloody murder until he is let out. (I hate to think what my neighbours think)
I just don't know what more to do... I spend 90% of my day with him, involve him in cooking and housework, watch kids movies with him, play outside with him, take him for walks, read books. And dad does little to none of that and he listens straight away!
Even bedtime or nap time if he has one has become a struggle. He's gone from being excited to going to bed in his big boy bed, and picking out books to read to screaming hysterically and lying on the floor kicking at us when we try and get him into bed. We've had to hold the door closed (he's always slept with the door closed because he would push it closed) to stop him coming out repeatedly, as he'll still be up at 10-11pm otherwise!! And three days ago he kicked a dent in the door!

I'm giving him so much and getting his worst behaviour in return. It's breaking my heart and making me really down.
Please throw any suggestions at me!!!!! I'll try anything at the moment!

Hay ya, I know tantrums can be very hard! I thought it worth mentioning that even though your first response might be to yell or get angry what he may be asking for is a hug and a kiss??? My boy used to be very tantrummy as did one of my brothers and it just happened that the best way to deal to their unwanted behaviour was an extra kiss or cuddle, whilst for any other child the answer would have been time out or other disciplinary action. Some kids are just wired differently then others smile

Don't give up you are doing a great job!
Ha Ha and Sorry and Welcome. Don't yell or smack, escalation doesn't work in the long term. Don't take things personally. Your child loves and respects you, but is not your friend (usually). 2.5 year olds want attention sometimes and they will do whatever it is to get your attention good or bad. If he is naughty and you yell then he's got your attention. You can often ignore big tantrums, just let the child kick and scream and walk away or watch expressionless - if safe to do so. Or do as above and when the child is really naughty say "why did you do that" are you tired or sad, do you want a hug or a kiss. Children tend to be naughty when they are hungry or tired or in pain (physical or emotional). Hope that helps. Don't take any of it personally - sometimes no matter what you do they'd still have a tantrum. Its their way of controlling their world, which to a large degree is out of their control.
Please don't get me wrong with what I asked.
I'm not after criticism for smacking my child or having to yell at him. He used to listen to me all the time, and that is always a last resort, after coming down to his level to ask him calmly to tell me what's wrong or explaining why what he did was wrong.

I'm going to push the whole hugging it out thing, but this behaviour is generally brought on because he doesn't get his own way or because I've removed him from standing or climbing ontop of the glass furniture!

I more so needed some suggestions as to why it's just me that he chooses to ignore/muck up for. He hasn't always been like this, only the last couple of months..

Thanks for the replies ladies smile

Hi mandy, I'm sorry you're having such a hard time!

I'm pregnant with our first but am a preschool teacher so I might be able to give you some tips.

Check with his daycare teachers, have they noticed anything different and get them to come on board. Have they got some ideas?

Sometimes parents have asked me to have a chat with their child and it has worked! I usually do this as part of a mat time session, so it's learning opportunity for all the children smile

My first thoughts are he's definitely testing you out. This is totally normal! His behaviour is a power and control struggle ( a term i learnt while doing a six month Behavior Management course a little while ago) not getting his way. I would suggest that you completely ignore the tantrum/screaming (and any other behavior that is safe for you to ignore).

Let him know that you will talk to him once he's calm. Move yourself away from the situation but make sure he's safe and not hurting anyone or himself. Once he is calm, ask him if he wants a cuddle, just hold him and once he's completely calm, then start to talk about what his problem was - why was he upset etc. If he doesn't want to talk, then don't. Sometimes boys don't want a big long conversation, they want straight to the point!

Be firm with him, set boundaries and have consequences for in appropriate behavior. It's known that boys respond well to boundaries and routines and try to be consistent. You need to let him know you're in charge, not him.

Also wondering if you might want to warn him that it's almost bed time? Perhaps use a timer? Can you start a sticker chart or a marble jar as an incentive for when he does co operate? Let him know that if he co operates without a fuss, he get's to put a marble in the jar or sticker on the chart.

Try to really praise him when he does something good, make a big deal out of it.

All this is a lot easier said than done, I know! Just remember, you are doing a great's a phase that your son will grow out of!

Think I've rambled on too much but I hope I've been somewhat helpful!
THANKYOU Kriska!!!!

So many good suggestions and approaches to the issues I'm having!
Exactly the answer I've been waiting for haha.

I don't want to raise a brat, so I don't want to not have any consequences when he behaves like this. But getting up and walking away to ignore his tantrum and show him that doing that won't make me do things his way is a good approach.

I will definately have a chat to his daycare leaders and see if they can get on board with it. When I picked him up last week they were actually sitting with another young boy discussing how he needs to be a good boy at home with mummy and help mummy and listen etc.... So hopefully they can help me out too!!

He thrives off praise, and loves being told he is a good boy, so a sticker chart would work well! Do I give him a reward at the end of the week for so many stickers or something? I'll have to look up some different reward systems/charts.

Good luck with your first pregnancy, by the sounds of things you are going to be a great mum with a world of knowledge and experience behind you!

Thankyou so much again!!
You've given me some hope Hahahaha.

Naw, thanks. As for newborns....i don't know too much about them so I'll be posting for help, I'm sure LOL

Yeah, give him a reward after so many stickers. he might like to choose something and you have it up high so he can see it but can't have it. Sounds kind a mean but sometimes kids at this age need a visual. Actually, a picture of what he get's might work too.

I forgot to mention that the behavior might get a bit worse before it get's better!
Hi Mandy, No one is criticising you. We all think you are a super great mum. Well I do anyway.

The reason your child acts differently towards you is because he knows what your limits are and is testing them further and because you are his mother (you won't leave him, but others will). A lot of children are angels at school and to their teachers, but act difficult at home.

Just telling you what I've tried and tested with 6 kids. Don't take anything personally, especially where children are concerned. What I found was really great was Yoga. The whole world could be falling apart with people yelling and screaming around me, could all be complete chaos and I can keep my head together and focus. I tell my child twice and apply immediate consequences if they don't follow through. Done. For example, turn the TV off. doesn't do it, doesn't do it again and then I switch it off. I don't enter into anything after that. They could yell the whole street down and I remain calm. Sorry neighbours. One of my boys is 2.9 years old. My other boy is just 11 months. They are great and people compliment their behaviour all the time. We do have a lot of the similar problems you have, but seem to nip them in the but, mostly due to experience with our older kids. I have 4 children of my own plus 2 step children.

Sometimes it's worthwhile that you let your children fix their own problems and have their own consequences of their bad behaviour. If their toys are broken, they go in the bin and can't be played with anymore. If their language is bad people won't listen to them. We've never scolded for bad language, we just model good language. If your boy breaks the door, you get together with him and fix it together. I don't give other punishments like going to the corner or bedroom and I also don't do sticker charts. I've tried and they don't work for me. Direct real life related consequences work for me. For example one of our daughters cheated, stealing from the Bank in Monopoly, so we made her go to jail (in Monopoly).

You are not your child's slave, you do not have to activate him, entertain him or keep him happy. If you want to cook with your child, read to them or do housework with him then do it and enjoy it. But don't expect any gratitude in return. Make yourself happy, not your child. Your child will be happy if you are. It just happens. The attitude which works for me is one of - I'm usually a happy person, but don't mess with me.

The whole doormat/martyr/victim thing backfired big time for me. I did everything for my oldest two children (ballet, soccer, cooking, cleaning, paid for everything, latest clothes etc etc) and I can tell you my children didn't appreciate it. They become entitled and then they end up knowing they can do anything to you and you'll accept it cause you think its your fault.

So to get to the point. You are you and you are entitled to your space. You deserve to be spoken to with respect. Set your boundaries.

Good luck.
Sorry I jumped to conclusions. This feeling pretty lousy has me not being my usual self! Sorry if I came across rude.

Thankyou so much for going so in depth with everything! It's good to see what did and didn't work for you with having so much experience...
I've had a chat with the girls at daycare and they reassured me that his behaviour is normal and that its best to try and just ignore him and walk away.

I do think I need to find a bit of myself again. maybe a yoga and Pilates class could be good for my mind and my sanity for having some me time? Haha.

Thanks again smile I'll try and keep you posted on how we go!

Its such a challenging age and my 2 went through the same thing at that age. The only thing that helped was them attending an activity weekly to wear out that frustration and at least they listened to someone else if they don't with me - and I got some space as well.
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