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  5. Am I too Controlling?? advice/opinions needed PLEASE!

Am I too Controlling?? advice/opinions needed PLEASE! Rss

My partner thinks Iam but I think that Iam just wanting a happy family if that makes sense!
A bit of background we have been together for almost 12yrs, have waited to have children to get all the partying out of the system so WE decided after 10yrs we will have a baby, now we have a beautiful DS who is 19mths now.
My partner just seems to drift off now and then going out until all hours of the morning since our ds's birth, he almost cheated on me about 6mths ago and probably would of if i wasnt so suss on him (gut feeling)When he goes out its usually after work(works at nights)he never tells me he is planning to or if he hasnt planned it never calls me to tell me where he is, so Im sitting at home wondering where the fluck he is. The last time he did this was at the super gp race, was meant to go for the day as he was working that night as a DJ for an engagement party, he never turned up!!! he got wasted and just thought fluck it, never called me to tell me where he was and I was having to explain to his work why he hadnt showed!
So basically he is saying that he shouldnt have to report to me as he can do as he wants and live his life, but my question is is his freedom more important than his family, for us to know where he is.
Am I controlling him?? am i being crazy worrying too much? or is he a bit out of line?
Sorry for the long post just really needed to hear others opinions on this!
Family is more important. If he feels like you are controlling him he will do things like going out.
My hubby enjoys hanging out with his mates and they spend time playing video games and watching sports. So when he does hang out with his mates i tell you just let me know when your on your way home so i can make sure we are home also. If he has he days hanging out with mates i want the same thing to hang out with the girls and shop and relax and not being mum for a short period of time.
talk to him say that you want him there for you DS but he can have a night out once and awhile.

i cant speak for anyone elses relationship but my own but for me and my marriage, that is completely and totally out of line.
I would be absolutely ropeable if my DH was going out at all hours without telling me and not calling etc.
I am very "lenient" with my DH and he knows he is free to do as he pleases but out of courtesy, he at least rings to let me know.
Its all about respect and it shouldnt feel like he is "reporting" to you - he should feel like he is letting his life partner and the mother of his child, know that he is okay and what he is doing.

I don't think you are being controlling at all and i would be feeling incredibly hurt and unappreciate if i were in your shoes.

As i said, its not my relationship so i don't know all the ins and outs, but from the information you've given, id be pretty p issed!
Not controlling at all. I think it is common courtesy to let someone know if you are going to be late, especially a wife who has probably cooked your dinner!

It is only controlling if you never let him go out or dictate where he can and can't go.
I can only speak from my experience.

This sounds like something my DP and I went through a few years back.

DP and I both worked hospitality (he still does, I am a sahm for now) I used to work shift work however and would work either early early stupid oclock mornings (4/5am starts) or evenings he would mainly work nights. He too used to go out after work without saying anything and when I used to can you txt me to let me know he would say I was controlling, blah blah. You get what I mean.

Luckily we didn't have kids until this year, and we weren't in the situation or mindspace to have kids either until just this last year.

We broke up for about 4mths in this time he slept with someone else yes it was a casual thing and when I found out I thought well fcuk ya then and hooked up with a guy at his work (nasty I know but he didn't see) and we ended up having a grammy award winning argument honestly it was the best argument in the world lol.

We got back together after a few good chats and we both realised we had to work on things to make our relationship better, he felt suffocated because I wanted to spend time with him and I felt like he didn't respect me enough just to tell me where he was.

Now if he goes anywhere he asks if he can go which I HATE because I decided to change my ways and I haven't stopped him from doing anything since then. He just knows to make sure that during the day if he wants to do anything to check with me incase I've made us plans now.

Sorry that went abit of subject.

I dont think that what you are wanting from him is controlling.

From my own experience I have found that DH finds the way I ask these things from him controlling. I dont know if that makes sense???

The best thing for both of you is to back off. I know its hard and wont sound right for you, but the more you are on his back at the moment, the more arguments you will have. Just leave it for the moment, men like to have control so let him think he has it.

The next time he goes to an event casually ask when it will wrap up - give a reason like oh Just want to know when to have dinner ready etc. You will find you will get a better response.

Try to take some time out for yourself. Book dinner with the girls and give him plenty of notice that he will be looking after the kid/s that night.

Good luck smile
Thank you ladies for your replies and for reading my novel!

I have talked to him numerous times about how I feel and how he makes me feel and to be honest I get quite angry and upset with him about how he disrespects me, I wrote him a letter last night explaining why I feel the way i do and for him to write back to me if he cant talk to me and basically it says you need to deal with it as I want to live my lfe! and that I need to stop expecting him to report to me every 5mins, all i want is for him to be honest with me and i wouldnt be asking him where he has been and who with!
We are moving on the weekend and i feel sick in the stomach that this is never going to get better, i should be excited that we are starting a fresh in a new house and not having this at the back or front of my mind.
Thankyou again ladies your opinions makes me feel like im not crazy!
i agree with m2a completely. totally unacceptable!

Sorry, but he needs to grow up and leave the single/no children lifestyle behind him. He now has a family and that needs to be his priority. Sure he can go out, but it must now be second to his family life.

Is OVER rude people

I think he's being inconsiderate and is out of line.

All well and good he wants to go out, fair enough but not fair on you that he doesnt bother telling you... I dont think that's being controlling, I think in a relationship its the considerate thing to do so the other one doesnt worry.

Sounds suss that he's doing this since the birth of your boy, almost like the responsibility has overwhelmed him and he's trying to be "21 again".
That's not controlling.. I would be mad too! Maybe ask him to watch your DS for an hour one day and don't come back for like 5hrs without letting him know where you are.. Go for lunch and see a movie lol. Maybe he'll get it then.. There's nothing wrong with still going out when you have a family, as long as both parents get too at times and you don't just disappear. I think anyway.

He has done it again, finished work at 2 and still not home, no phone call and I need the car to go get dinner for tonight, yes we only have one car and most days stuck at home with DS.
Im soooooo over his bull sh*t

Your right 2sweetgirls he is wanting to be 21 again, well he needs a reality check he is 31 for goodness sakes!
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