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Blended Family Rss

Good morning ladies,

I am
New to this forum, I use to be an active member many years ago now on here when my children were younger.

I have recently come back and joined after a long break.
Please excuse me if I am not up to date with terms used in the chats. In seeking some advice on blended families and your experiences.

I have have recently in the last few yrs separated and divorced my abusive cheating ex husband and faced many of challenges family break down, death of my daughter who was born still birth in last term of pregnancy at 28 weeks in 2011- this broke me and shattered my world, I have 2 beautiful children who are with me and healthy and happy but have been through the family process of nasty court proceedings, my children suffer from some medical issues we are facing a present nothing bad like some families face but still something to keep an eye out on, but apart from the horribles I have managed to start over again and a new life for myself and my children.

I am in a new relationship of 2/12 yrs now with my partner who is a great guy and I am very thankful to have in my life, we are a blended family he has two children himself but one of the children is only his biological son the other is from a previous relationship, the child is unaware of this tho.

My question is, has anyone or is anyone in the same situation at present had the uncomfortable conversation with their partner in regards to the child who is not biologically theirs and discussing that it needs to come out?

I know I am in no means in the right to tell my partner what to do being a parent myself and understand not to cross those boundaries and lines to involve myself in that decision, and not my place to do so but it is very hard when you are in a relationship with the person involved and has an affect on you also.

My heart breaks for my partner and his younger son and the eldest who is being lied to.

The mother to the boys, youngest 5 and the eldest who is 10 who is the child that is involved, had met my partner a yr after she had him, I am all for a man stepping up in place of someone who was not willing to do so it takes a good man to do this and take such responsibility and I applord them.

But my issue is, as a woman and a mother and morally in my opinion, I believe she should have told the boy from a right age while he was younger, as he has no idea and the mothers and my partners whole family know of the situation and what's going on and anyone they meet ie new friends etc they tell them that the boy is not my partners real son.
My thing is why keep a big secret like this that can have such a either negative or maybe a positive outcome and effect to the child!? The boy has question why he looks different to his dad and sibling for example hair colour, skin tone and facial features and the most obvious is the surname.

He is now 10yrs of age and each day that passes and he doesn't know I feel like this child is being put in a situation that is out of control and what makes matters worse is yes my partner adores him and loves him like his own as he says but you can clearly see he favours his younger bio son and spoils him a lot more then the eldest and the eldest boy picks up on this and mentions it. The mother and my partner also don't plan on ever telling the child now or in the near future either.

My whole issue is that is makes it incredibly hard as his partner when I know that this child is being lied to like this and the repercussions it will have and affect on him if someone just blurts it out one and two as he gets older and questions more or for ever any reason sees his birth certificate, or the other fact when my partners ex uses the boy as a quilt trip towards my partner as she knows it hurts him to hear that he has no legal right to the boy if he pursues anything with having more time with the boys.

It's just one big mess and web of lies and used sometimes as a game tack tick and it really annoyes me being a mother myself that the mother to the boy thinks this acceptable.

It's very hard each week to see certain things happen or things said when you know there is a lie being lived and my partner doesn't seem to think that this affects me when it does.

Our children are all close yes they argue and fight like and siblings would but 90% of the time they all get along and look out for one another, it's just becoming really difficult to handle with my own children questioning why the boy has different surname and looks different to my partner and his youngest. And it was very hard a yr ago when I feel pregnant with my partner, and he become distant from the pregnancy as his ex had put quilt on him that because of my pregnancy that it would come out about the boy and she said to my partner that it would come out now because of me and to top it off contacted the bio father to start issues, unfortunately I was unable to hold the pregnancy which devastated me but the moment she his ex knew this magically the bio father was pushed out of this picture again and made out that the bio parent contacted her.. Convenient I think not.

So I'm looking for some advice on how to deal with this sort of situation..

Thanks for listening
HI, I think yes this should have been told to the child from the start, but it hasnt, so it makes it really hard.

I knew someone who found out on his 18th that his dad wasnt his biological dad, which really upset him, but he got over it as he was old enough to understand that a dad isnt about genetics, but about who was there for you as a parent your whole life, but this is your partners and his ex's decision, with them being his parents.

I guess your partner feels like he is his dad, maybe not biologically, but in every other way.
Hey, like Tails85 I know somebody who only found out that his dad wasn't his biological father when he turned 18 and he has never forgiven his mother for lying to him all of these years and depriving him of getting to know his biological father who is an active part of his life now. Blood doesn't always make a father but it is still important for kids to know where they come from, especially seeing as your partner's son is noticing that something is amiss. You have the right idea, I just hope your partner and his ex do the right thing soon as being made to feel second best is definitely going to impact on the boy's self esteem.
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