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FIFO husband being nasty and childish during time at home Lock Rss

I was after some advice from people in a similar situation - or even better, other FIFO husband's who can explain my husband's behaviour or point of view. When my hubby is working away, we get along great - we communicate every day and things run beautifully at home. The problem is when he comes home. He seems to act out - especially the first couple of nights he is home. I have a strict routine because I am raising our children without any support, and the first couple of nights he comes home, he seems to go out of his way to disrupt this routine (i.e. disrupting meal times and bedtimes). He seems to have an attitude that its his house and he can do what he likes. A couple of times, he has gotten really nasty about it - an example is, the week before he was due home I was in and out of hospital with our sick baby. The night he came home I finally got our sick screaming baby to bed, so I went around and turned down the volume of the tvs and got house nice and quite just so the baby could get to sleep - the husband walked in, saw that the tv volume was down, threw a tantrum that "he cannot even watch tv in his own house any more" and stormed off outside and sulked in his shed for the rest of the night. The next day, he had his work xmas do - he left at 10am and informed me that he was going to party until 2am the next day and going to get so drunk that he was going to sleep in his car - that night, he tried to call me at 10pm, when I didn't answer my mbl (my phone was on silent and I didn't realise it was ringing) he came home to make sure everything was ok - when realised everything was ok, he then berated me for ruining his night and never letting him have any fun. Two days later it was Christmas and - guess what - woke up to find out he never got me anything for Christmas, from him or from the kids - he then told me it was my fault because I should have organised myself something because I should know he doesn't have time because he works too hard - and then all I heard about was how bad I made him feel (my fault entirely). All I ever hear about is how hard it is for him, how its not fair that he cannot just go off and do his own thing when he is home - that he cannot just go off drinking and partying - that he has to consider us all the time. We always end up fighting and the kids just want him gone again. He has the attitude that we owe him for his "sacrifice" of working away. He eventually gets over it but we are starting to resent having him home. Every time I talk to him about it, he gets nasty and angry and starts swearing and carrying on to the point where I regret bringing it up. I'm trying to understand his mentality so I can address this from a different angle because I am getting ready to tell him to just don't come home if he is going to behave like this. I do understand what he does for our family but, he expects to be treated like the man returning from the trenches and expects to be waited on hand-and-foot.
Sounds like my life! My husband doesn't work away, he prefers to ignore the fact that he has a family and likes to play computer games 24/7. I do all the house work, do everything he asks and take care of our 8 month old daughter and he doesn't almost nothing. When I ask for his help he says no if I complain it starts an arguement and if I give up and don't do anything for him he gets spiteful like does his own washing or shopping and doesn't worry about anyone else. Sometimes our arguments have gotten that bad he's physically hurt me. Men think they can rule is and do what they want while we suffer and it's not fair, I don't think they understand how much we do just by being a mum. He could just be tired from working but that doesn't mean he gets to come home and be mean.
so sorry to hear he is making life so difficult,

on one had yes he is being selfish and difficult and you have every right to complain about him. Ive got no qualms in saying yes he's being a pain and yes he owes you an apology for his childish behaviour.

on the other hand he sounds like he's really missed you and he's feeling really out of place when he returns home. he sounds like he genuinely cares for you, e.g. coming home when he was worries something happened, but he's just sounding very tired and emotional and reacting the wrong way.

perhaps next time he is away ask him what he feels he needs when he comes home, e.g. normally at the end of the day guys like to wind down. Perhaps he is feeling like he doesn't fit into the family routine any more and doesn't know how to express that and he's being childlike and pushing you away to try to make you vie for his affection.

i understand that when its just you its tough, and you are essentially a single mum so kids are in a routine that suits you and the kids, but perhaps incorporate dad a little more into that so that it also suits when he comes home?

If it becomes too much then a separation may be good of you both, to give him some time to realise that he needs to communicate much better.

Mel - if you are being physically hurt during an argument please seek counselling. Men do not rule and they have no right to harm another person just because there is a difference of opinion. I know, I've been in your shoes. Please remember that you are meant to be in partnership as parents and in a relationship. If he is not pulling his weight then you may need to consider changes to your relationship. There is a lot of support groups and domestic violence help places out there to support you
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