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Heartbroken! Need advice Rss

Hi everyone,
I don't have people to talk to that I trust so I need to vent here.
Ok so I've been engaged since April 2013, when my partner proposed to me he said we'd think about marriage in 2-3 years which I was fine with.
I just had a baby to him just 12 days ago and since my son has been born my partner keeps bringing up marriage and wanting to get married sooner, I want to aswell so we all have the same last name but also because I love him with everything in me.
So he took me to a wedding expo yesterday and I was on cloud 9 the whole day and so was he, we had a brilliant day! He encouraged me to sign up for some wedding venues for open dates, enter competitions and even made an appointment with me to see a jeweller to get our wedding rings made up, every time somebody would ask when we were looking at getting married he reply with end of 2015-2016 so I just went along with it!
So we got home and ofcourse I want to start looking through the brochures and start getting ideas and he says "I don't want to get married just yet, wait until I've paid your car off and my bike" so I asked how long away he was thinking and he said 5-7 years.
I felt so stupid. I've made an appointment with a jeweller that is going to get sapphires in for me and you want to wait how long!? I understand he wants to get out of debt but what I don't understand is I said I'd get a job, help him pay off the debt, my parents are paying for the wedding but still he said wait 5-7 years, is it just me or is he afraid of the commitment?
I don't know what to do and my email and phone are going to get some people wondering if I'm going to their consultations and he was the one that made all the plans!
I'm hurt.
Anyone have any feedback? Advice? Or anything?
Thanks in advance!
I had a 3 year engagement which was the perfect amount of time for us. If you think 5-7 years is too long for you, then you need to talk to him about it and come to a compromise. Ask him what other reasons he has for waiting, did the full on-ness of the expo freak him out? In the grand scheme of things though, if you are committed to each other, a long engagement shouldn't matter if the money thing is the only reason he wants to hold off.

Aka G&L smile

I asked him if the cost scared him and he said no, my parents are going to pay for it all we will have to get our rings though,
I honestly don't mind waiting but I feel like he has lead me on, espically because he has made appointments for us or just for me to go check out venues, and the jewellers. :/
He said he feels like we're not going to last so if we wait that long and we're still together than we can get married sad
We fight but not more than anyone else, be told me he doesn't have faith in our relationship..
I asked him why he is with me if he feels like we're going to break up at anytime sad Ive got the baby blues and the last thing I need is my main support person and the love of my life to tell me he has no faith in us.
You need to talk openly and honestly with him about how you feel.
Find out why he thought to lead you, that you FELT like he had lead you on.
Personally, the way you have described it, i would have a major problem if i were you. I personally think when he is saying 5-7 years he's thinking by then you'll have stopped asking to be married. He doesn't SEEM like he wants to get married.
You've already had his baby. And I'd hazard a guess you are living together. So financially you wouldn't change. Adding a wedding you are not even paying for seems to make a money issue a bit unnecessary on his behalf. Sounds like an excuse. Somethings up and if i were you, I'd nail it on the head right now rather than set yourself up for disappointment in a few wasted years.
So I'm not the only one thinking its a bit suss. Yeah we have lived together for a year and 7months, I think we are doing fine financially so I don't understand what he is trying to say. I tried talking to him last night and he just kept getting angry with me saying I had post natal depression and asking why I want to rush things, I honestly don't want to rush it though I feel like I need to explain myself to him with everything I do and If I have a problem with something he tells me it's my hormones sad
I have done anything and everything for this person, I have given birth to our son and I feel bad for wanting a little bit more commitment. The only person I can talk to is my mum but as soon as I tell her things like this she will straight up tell me to leave him..
And I said to him last night "you want me to wait 5-7 years only because I'll stop asking or i'll forget" and his reply was can we just not talk about it, I don't want to fight.
I don't want to be a single mum and I don't want to throw away my relationship but I'm not sure if I want to be with someone who doesn't want the same as I do, and leading me on.. Telling me he does want what I want worries me because what else has he said that about too?
sad
Thankyou for the replies ladies
My Husband did not want to get married. I brought a child to our relationship from another man. I proposed to him 52 times. And after a year guess what? We got married. Because that old bugger loves the shit out of me. I do not deserve it, but he does.
There's something going on with your bloke, whether he's scared or don't want to get married or SOMETHING but it definitely needs to be talked about.
He proposed to me out of the blue and I was shocked.. We have a great relationship, we have some arguments here and there but never anything serious. I fell pregnant and he treated me like the queen for the whole duration, there wasn't anything he wouldn't do for me, I had my son and he continued to help and do everything, for the first week he was soo affectionate, happy, lovey dovey ect.. Kept telling me he wanted me to be his wife so I was under the impression he wanted to seriously start thinks about a wedding and then he asks if would like to go to the wedding expo at our local club so ofcourse I wanted to go, and then yeah we haven't stopped fighting since yesterday afternoon about our relationship, our future, money, our son, getting married and life in general.
How can someone change so quickly? Even while we were still at the club having lunch after the expo he was talking about wedding ideas he only changed when we got home?
Unfortunately I feel like this time we won't sort this fight out, I feel like he is going to come home from work and tell me he is leaving, he hasn't spoken to me all day and he normally texts or rings me to see how my day is going..
I will try and talk to him when he gets home but I highly doubt he will be interested in talking :/
Something HAS to have occured between expo and the point where he has decided against marriage in the forseeable years.
Someones spoken to him?
Maybe somehting in this whole new fatherhood thing has scared the pants off him or put him off?
I do sincerely hope you get a reason and a verdict. Something you can both live with. And live happily ever after.
Fingers crossed for you Renee.
Whatever is going on in his head I'll find out! Hopefully it will work out.
Thankyou again, I'll keep you posted!
Renee_June wrote:
Whatever is going on in his head I'll find out! Hopefully it will work out.
Thankyou again, I'll keep you posted!
Often in Life tough times come. Maybe you want to stick and to cure this relationship in every possible way, but I suggest you to think the other side of this issue too Renee. Maybe he's not the one for you. What will you do if after marriage he'll again change his mind. ??
I am not demoralizing you but you should think the other side of this issue too.
1darenathomas wrote:
Renee_June wrote:
Whatever is going on in his head I'll find out! Hopefully it will work out.
Thankyou again, I'll keep you posted!Often in Life tough times come. Maybe you want to stick and to cure this relationship in every possible way, but I suggest you to think the other side of this issue too Renee. Maybe he's not the one for you. What will you do if after marriage he'll again change his mind. ??
I am not demoralizing you but you should think the other side of this issue too.


We had a serious chat and he admitted to me he got scared by the commitment and cost of everything,he was scared that we would get divorced straight away and I said if he didnt think we would be able to stay together while we were married whats the point of staying together now?
It took 3 hours to break down why he didnt want a marriage straight away though.
I asked him why he proposed to me if he didnt expect a wedding in the future and why did he do it if he thought we weren't strong enough? I asked him why we had a baby together if he thought we were gonna end straight away, I think that really put things into perspective for him.
He asked me if we could have a wedding on a budget and plan for sometime between the next 3 years, he is going to a bank to consult about his debt and thinking about getting a loan to pay it all out and just having 1 payment instead of 3.
So he was just overwhelmed by it all and didn't want to admit it.
Thankyou for ladies for the advice, it's all worked out for the better and I know exactly where we both stand in our relationship
<3
I'm so glad to hear you both had a good chat and got things in the open. You mentioned your parents were paying for the wedding - perhaps he wasn't keen on this, feeling like he was given a handout or couldn't financially support his new family? And what triggered may have been realising the cost involved. Most men don't take marriage lightly so I doubt he would propose if he didn't love you and want to be with you. Is this his first child also? Perhaps he's feeling all kinds of emotions and anxiousness just as you are.

Honestly glad it's in the open And hope things continue going well for you smile

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