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DP needs to grow up Rss

Just a vent...

My DP is 27 and im 20 wee expecting our first bub in januray 2012, and im seriously doubting his ability to get himself together and grow up in time for bubs arrival.. ive given up on trying to get him to grow up during the pregnancy..

Ive tried to tell him he needs toquit smoking.. soo what does he do.. he quits on his own (as i told him to quit but do it when he wants to do it!) and he quits for 6DAYS! and how does he and his jolly friends reward him?! by having an effing cigarette and getting drunk.. and usually for most people having DP go out with the boys is usually a normal situation that usually is pleasant.. but no... everytime he goes out he says he will be home by whatever time.. and gauranteed something happens everytime.. his phone dies or he gets blind or he forgets to check the time.. and that would be fine if he didnt come home in the state he does and didnt come home 5-6hours after his predicted due home time.. and i mean he will say he will be back before midnight and truthfully he gets back at 6am... and of course im awake and if ive given up on waiting and do goto sleep, he feels the need to wake me when he gets home and say stupid *** to me like, "what are you doing" as he stumbles around the house..

Am i crazy, or controlling? yeah i harass him for a time he will come home, and yeah i want him to quit drinking and yea i want him to tell me if he is running late or gets caught up in the moment and so hes late.. is it too much to ask?? he tells me im controlling.. but i just want some normalness in our lives..

I want to know he will quit smoking and at least drink less when he drinks! and he wants me to trust him but how can i when he lies about *** all the time!!

Everyone says oh he has changed so much being with you, he is soo much calmer, he is on a better road in life etc etc... well WHY do his friends feel the need to take him back to his alcoholic loose cannon ways?! why not leave him be..

Sorry guys.. just frustrated and at the end of my rope.. and he promises change and never does it.. and im just fed up..
Sorry you are having such a hard time. I don't think you are being to controlling or anything... smoking and excessive drinking is such a hate of mine. I lost one grandfather to each - I didn't get to meet either of them. I just can't stand it. My husband smoked on and off before we got together and I let him know I won't stand for it, especially with children - he can kill himself on his own time, not our daughters. Same thing with alcohol. I told him "we're both pregnant, we're in it together". If its not good for me, it's not good for him. He has a beer every now and then when hes working round the house (we have a lot of renos going on) but he hasn't gone out drinking with friends once. He doesn't go out at night either. We have had a miscarriage and he is very concerned about this pregnancy, so he is making sure I don't get stressed out or anything and being really good for me!

I was really frustrated at the start of the pregnancy, before I was showing it's like he didn't get it that we were pregnant and going to have a baby. Have a good talk to him about it. I told my husband "as much as I love you, I will leave you. I won't have that **** around our child". His father was an alcoholic and he had a pretty horrendous time growing up, so it really didn't take too much for me..
Hi smile

I was in a similar situation your in when i was pregnant, my DF got a bit loose and would never stick to what he was saying. He always went out drinking and left me home, fat and a million years pregnant lol
HOWEVER!
My DF is 21, not 27!! Your partner DEFINITELY needs to grow up, stop partying, and start preparing for parenthood!!

With me, it got too much, and i said to DF that if he doesn't buck his ideas up, I'm leaving him and not looking back. Clearly he was trying to fight his responsibility by going out, drinking, etc. To me, that is exactly what your partner is doing. He is only hurting himself though!!
DF realized that i wasn't being a control freak, that he was actually being such a pain in my bum, and just accepted that his life has changed, for the better, and honestly, we haven't looked back since.

I think it just comes down to him not wanting to grow up, do you talk about what it is going to be like once baby is here?
Your not controlling, you just want the best for you and your family. Your partner doesn't have to stay in for the rest of his life, he just can't go out EVERY weekend.
Smoking is just common sense, it kills you faster! Why would you do that to yourself anyway? There is a book you can read and you will definitely quit smoking once you have read it. Maybe look into getting that for him?
His friends don't sound like a positive influence at all. That sounds like an issue on it's own though. In time, he will realize that they maybe aren't the best thing for him. Again, DF hasn't looked back on his life change. He know realizes how silly his old friends were, and only hangs out with them maybe once every 3 months. He has new friends now, and doesn't need to get wasted to have a good time. He also learnt that a hangover effects baby's life, as he can't have as much fun with her when he feels sick, and that itself makes him feel guilty. Going out is now a reward for him, not a every week thing.

Have you tried writing all your feeling down? Sometimes, when you write it down, you can really think over the words, plan how you say everything, and you can really get across to him. You should maybe try that?

I really do hope you can find some peace. I know exactly what your going through and it is the last thing you need to be worrying about during this special special time in your life!!

Good luck smile




Just a vent...

My DP is 27 and im 20 wee expecting our first bub in januray 2012, and im seriously doubting his ability to get himself together and grow up in time for bubs arrival.. ive given up on trying to get him to grow up during the pregnancy..

Ive tried to tell him he needs toquit smoking.. soo what does he do.. he quits on his own (as i told him to quit but do it when he wants to do it!) and he quits for 6DAYS! and how does he and his jolly friends reward him?! by having an effing cigarette and getting drunk.. and usually for most people having DP go out with the boys is usually a normal situation that usually is pleasant.. but no... everytime he goes out he says he will be home by whatever time.. and gauranteed something happens everytime.. his phone dies or he gets blind or he forgets to check the time.. and that would be fine if he didnt come home in the state he does and didnt come home 5-6hours after his predicted due home time.. and i mean he will say he will be back before midnight and truthfully he gets back at 6am... and of course im awake and if ive given up on waiting and do goto sleep, he feels the need to wake me when he gets home and say stupid *** to me like, "what are you doing" as he stumbles around the house..

Am i crazy, or controlling? yeah i harass him for a time he will come home, and yeah i want him to quit drinking and yea i want him to tell me if he is running late or gets caught up in the moment and so hes late.. is it too much to ask?? he tells me im controlling.. but i just want some normalness in our lives..

I want to know he will quit smoking and at least drink less when he drinks! and he wants me to trust him but how can i when he lies about *** all the time!!

Everyone says oh he has changed so much being with you, he is soo much calmer, he is on a better road in life etc etc... well WHY do his friends feel the need to take him back to his alcoholic loose cannon ways?! why not leave him be..

Sorry guys.. just frustrated and at the end of my rope.. and he promises change and never does it.. and im just fed up..


Im going to start by saying sorry your having a hard time with DP. When i was preg with our first my DF was similar going out getting drunk being out past the time he said he will phone dies etc. In the end i just stopped nagging him and would go to bed with ear plugs in lol. I dont want to be rude or anything. I think its hard for men to deal with the preg and the thought of having another person to look after. They arent wired like we are, we get preg and think right this it and start changing the way we think. they cant feel the baby move like we can etc. My partner said to me for him it wasnt happening because he could see the baby or feel him or hold him etc. Im not saying what he is doing is ok because its not not when its all the time! the smoking thing i think you need to leave that one. Im a smoker and my DP wants me to quit, i quit through both preg and while i bf but took it up again. Quitting is really hard its ok to say you need to stop but if the person isnt reAdy then they wont or they will for a week or 2 and then go back.
Remember we mature quicker then men. men dont fully mature until 30 crazy i know. maybe sit down talk to say hey this is how im feeling and im sorry if you think im crazy or what ever, but this is what i would like you to start trying to do. going out is ok just not all the time and try spacing out your drinks etc. If you just say i want you to do this this and this its just going to push him away. Maybe see how he is feeling with the whole situation?

1st baby due start of sep

Hey hun just read all this! You poor thing having to go through this at all but whilst pregnant is not fair!!

It really sounds like you need to get him when he is alone and completely sober and tell him that you need to talk - and just explain everything how you are feeling etc. You are both in this together and need to be working as a team and when baby bomes there is just no way he can be like this its not fair on you or bubba smile

Good luck hun

PS we are due like 2 days apart smile
I had this problem when I was pregnant with my first child as well. But my partner at the time was a real drop kick (I Dnt know what I was thinking). Anyway he used to drink until he was drunk all the time, compulsive liar (I mean he literally lied about everything) , did drugs, gambled and stole money put of my wallet and made out as if I must have spent it and he wouldn't get a job - well lied that he had one .
He never came to any appointments and the last conversation I had - also last time I saw him, he asked for the baby bonus and then through a tantrum because I said no. And told him to get it together or I don't want to hear from you.
The best thing I did for my DD that day and I have not heard or seen him since that was 5 yrs ago.
I'm not suggesting u leave ur partner but for me it was the only way to give my DD stability.
Oh plus I found out he had already had a child with someone else. so sometimes men don't change and probably never will.
I'm so much more happier and when that relationship ended it was like a weight lifted off my shoulders.
My current partner and I are expecting and he is great but to be honest - I kno this sounds horrible . But I prefer going thru this stuff on my own. weird.
I guess a lot of men go through this. It's hard for them because they can't feel the baby until it actually starts moving and they can see/feel the belly move.
I think they have that need to party even harder before bubs gets here. For some reason they think their lives gonna be over afterwards.
My DH went out riding etc. until 2 weeks before I was due. But the last s6 weeks of my pregnancy he made sure I had phonenumbers from people around him so I could reach him in cause I had to.
I don't think telling him what to do will help. Have you explained why you want him to stop smoking and drinking? Explain the risks of SIDS for a child in a household where parents smoke etc so he can make his "own" decission. And let him know by when you would like him to stop drinking (or only drink 2 drinks so he is still able to drive you to hospital in cause you need to go).
Maybe give him a bit more time, but I understand your frustration.
Hey everyone!! i was going to reply individually... but im at TAFE and just decided to do a general update / thanks etc..

Basically he knows that it is time for him to grow up and take it all on, infact when we found out we did celebrate from day one, and he was the one who said : okay its on lets get it together! and we got a two bedroom place (as we were in a studio ) and he strived for his promotion at work so he could provide better.. and soo i was led to believe he wanted to do this right.. as in the past we had struggled because he would drink and smoke...

Also in regards to his smoking.. I was a 10 a day minimum, smoker when i found out and it took me 4days to Quit and commit. and honestly i understand how hard it is, he gave me so much grief that it took me 4days, i needed time to adjust to quitting and accept the fact we are having a baby and we got to get our acts together.. and soo i informed him that i wanted him to quit smoking too, he literally laughed it off.. i then told him more sternly that he will not be cuddling his baby if he has been smoking, and i said i dont mind when you do it but its something he needs to do.. he agreed and thus he chose to quit smoking last week for himself and proudly told me he was quitting and etc.. then on day 6.. he suddenly decided oh well ive done it and started smoking while he was with his friends.. and to be honest it pissed me off because i was so understanding and i talked him through it all and listened to him winge about cravingns.. and i even got him patches and i did this even tho he would yell at me to quit and harassed me about it, even tho i was doing it under my own accord..

I understand that it takes them longer to grip they are having a child and etc but he almost hides behind that saying.. and i explain to him about what im going through now and i forward him the Huggies mum to be emails that update you weekly on your changes and he loves being involved and learning but to him its like its all theory, he loves the idea but when it comes down to it he cares very little.. i even organised an oppurtunity for me and DP to babysit for 3hours my best friends 9month old, I know what newborns and babies are like but i feel that he has no clue so i thought ohh well this will be good for us, to see how well we work together and etc, and in the end i went and babysat my besties baby on my own while he went out with the boys.. Shocker..

I really have sat down and reasoned with him.. and he just seems to get it and then the next day he acts like we never talked or that he did all the changing so back to the way he was is like his own reward for being so good for 1 day..

Mumx1+2b... i hear you.. i honestly myself have considered leaving him, but at the moment its not feasable for me to leave, i dont have much money to move and if i wanted to i need to get him to sign me off the lease and everything and i dont have family close so i would have to get my own place and i just dont have the money right at this moment.. my girlfriends all have kids too so i dont want to burden or lean on them for help.. i want to sort this out.. it just seems that it gets too much for me sometimes..

He listens.. and then laughs about it when he gets drunk.. ive explained to him that he doesnt have to stop going out or stop drinking but that simply he needs to cut it down, and i told him when bubs due he cant go drinking as the hospital has a policy of no intoxicated persons allowed into maternity ward.. and it worries me that were going to get there and he is going to laugh about it and drink and then im going to need him to drive and he cant..

ive explained that we are half way and he on fathers day got to feel bubs move and he saw bubby kicking the doppler probe the other day.. he even sits down and talks to the baby.. but when it comes to drinking, smoking, going out, he forgets all about us.. and the sad truth is his friends do have kids.. and they still do what he is doing.. and i even told him that i will not be having a household like his friends have where the man does whatever and the woman stays home everyday and handles the kids.. because i can be happy housewife and im happy to stay home with the kids.. WHILE HE WORKS.. not while he parties every night and *** like that.. soo i guess ill have to wait and see..

Tonight we have agreed on having a talk about everything, as last night was the end of my rope.. he came home at 3am drunk and high and he was supposed to be having a couple beers and be home by 7:30pm.. thats right he went out all night on a wednesday night when he has work at 9am on thursday morning! i dont know why im suprised or even dissapointed anymore.. and the scary part is how aggressive and angry he is when he is drunk.. he aint no happy drunk who stumbles around he is aggressive and gets in your face.. I can stand up for myself... but everyone has a limit.. and im reaching boiling point..

I love him dearly and i am trying soo damn hard because i want my baby girl to have her daddy around because he is a lovely caring person who adores me and his daughter to be, but he has another side.. and the other side is who i cant stand.. and i dont want my baby to have to see daddys otherside..
What state are u in? It's not worth stressing out it's not good for baby. It took me a long time to let on that things with my ex weren't so rosy. I just didnt want to talk about it with anyone- well be forced to anyway. It took me a long time to eventually end things. I was 33 weeks. My ex was similar completely understanding and wanting to change but then as soon as there was alcohol he wouldn't stop until he was drunk. He couldn't walk past the pokies without wasting all his money. he was a sheep just trying to keep up with everyone else trying to look like the 'big guy'.
I look back now on that time and wish that I would have ended things sooner with him but kept giving him chances.
Can u go to centrelink? Or department of housing and see what your options are in case it doesn't work
Out?
I hope ur partner comes around
Sorry to hear that you are having all these problems with your partner. My partner was around the same age when we were expecting our daughter! He was a smoker and kept promising me he would quit and giving me an excuse for when he was going to. He has never been a big drinker but did go out alot with his mates and stay out late! The trouble with it all however was that our daughter was not planned and he was not very happy about the whole situation, I actually nearly left him as he was placing alot of blame on me and not being very nice about it at all(all while I struggled with horrendous all day sickness)

However the minute our daughter was born(well all throughout the labor too) something switched and he was a completely different man! To see him now with her its hard to believe that I was ever at the point of leaving. They do grow up once the baby is born, I just think that a woman becomes a mother the minute she falls pg but a man does not become a father til the baby is born....sometimes they just dont get it!

I hope for you all that he does grow up and does not miss out on what is a very speacial time for you both.

Good luck with everything xx
My DH was plenty old enough at 34, he had a good job and never smoked. But his family are ALL social alcoholics, none of them can stop once they start drinking. He doesn't drink very often these days but when he does I just live each hour hoping he doesn't do something that will end up with him injured or that he will somehow endanger myself or my son or his career.

Anyway my point is, no matter the age or how responsible they are when they are sober, if the are a binge drinker you need to decide if you can live with that in your life. That means acceptinh that when he decides to go out for a few drinks don't expect him to come home a little tipsy, expect blind drunk, every time. If you can't live with it I suggest your relationship is going to suffer because of it because it is pretty unlikely that a social drunk will get professional help because they don't think they have a problem.
Okay, I think that it is terrible that you DP will not listen and support you in simple things during your pregnancy. It really does put the pressure on at an already stressful and hormone filled time. I might have a slightly different perspective on things...

First and foremost ever since conception you have become a mother, you can feel the love and devotion and connnection to your child as you are now a mother - it is a 9mth journey it does not just start with birth! Your partner however has very little insight into these maternal feelings and will not even remotely feel like a parent until you give birth...there is nothing 'real' about pregnancy for him - it is just like some hormonal alien has over taken his partner. I'm telling you these things not to be judgemental but as this is what my husband has told me in the past. So effectively you have a 9mth headstart on the responsible parent thing to your partner. For DS2 it took DH 6mths to warm to him...although the connection with DS1 was instantaneous.

He might also (even on a subconscious level) be very aware that his days of young manship are numbered and the responsibilities of fatherhood are no longer on the horizon but coming at him at freight train pace. He might then just want to stretch his wings and get it out of his system. My husband is the most stubborn man on the face of the planet and guaranteed if I persist at bringing something up he will do it just to annoy me! But if I plant the seed and gently water it by backing off he often comes around.

Perhaps you could get him a book to read on fatherhood? There are several written that are easy to read and really made for their male readership. Do you know what you are having yet? If it is a boy I can highly recommend 'Raising Boys' by Steve Bidulph.
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