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  5. Found out my husband has another child- don’t know what to do

Found out my husband has another child- don’t know what to do Rss

Well I haven’t been on here in a while and I thought I had to come on here because I need to get some advice and just get this off of my chest without having to tell someone I know. I am so embarrassed and upset and have no idea what to do.

As some of you may know I’ve had a bad year, my twin sister died in January and I got custody of her daughter. I had 7 children and I now have 8 including my sister’s child in the house. I am stay at home mum but so many children is pretty tough anyway.

I find out a week ago that my husband has another child, meaning that he cheated on me. I feel so utterly depressed and I just can’t believe he would do that to me. He has a daughter, which even makes it worse as we have been trying to have a little girl for years and years (we have 7 boys.) I feel like my whole world has been tipped upside down and I just want everything to go back to the way it was.

I found out because the mother of his daughter came to see me and told me everything, my husbands daughter is 8 years old and that just breaks my heart. She told me that he has continued the relationship with her ever since the baby was born and that she has only just found out about me and my children. She only found out because she has wanted to marry him for so long and he eventually had to tell her that he was married to stop her trying to marry him.

I have no idea how he could betray me like this because if you met my husband you would say he was the sweetest, kindest, funniest and most loving man you’ve ever met. He was my first and only love and I’ve been in love with him since I was 14 years old. My life feels like it’s just collapsed. I think what hurts the most is that we’ve been together for 16 years and married for 12 years but 9 years of that he has been unfaithful. I feel like I was not good enough for him, he got bored with me after 7 years.

If anyone has been in a similar situation or just has some advice or comments then I would really appreciate it. Reply on here or send me a PM.

Thank you,

Lou
I am so sorry to hear what has been going on. I just want to reach out and give you a big hug. Never think you are not good enough. You are a mother of 8 kids thats huge. Only a great woman could do that. Dealing with 8 kids all day & what has happened to your sister the last thing you need is this. Have you spoken to your husband about it? What has he said? I dont know what would be going through your mind at the moment. I would feel betrayed & like everything he ever said to me was false. Do you want to save the relasionship? If you do, do it for you & not the kids. You could go to marriage councelling if you want to save the relasionship.
If it was me i would leave, but you have to do whats right for you & your kids.
Im sorry i couldnt help but my thoughts are with you.

My 3 beautiful boys DS1-05, DS2-.07 & DS3-09

Hi Lou,
This must be absolutely awful for you. A similar thing happened with my ex, although we didnt have children together. We were together for nearly 3 years and lived together for 1. He told me at the end he wanted a break. I said ok. Then he said he had been seeing other people. I was absolutely disgusted, I then siad its over and I moved back to my parents house.
After it was over he started to send me horrible messages over how many people he had slept with and that I was hopeless and he was only seeing me as I paid for things.

About 6 months after we broke up I met my husband, who is great. So sometimes after a horrible thing happens, better things come from them.

I hope your children are ok, sorry to hear about your sister.

I'm with Juanita... dont ever think that you aren't good enough! EVER!!

I myself wouldn't handle this situation very well - in fact I'd be telling him where to go - no matter how much I loved him.

I seriously think if he's been doing this for 9 or so years now, what is going to make him change... he knows he can get away with it, and you are pretty much guaranteed to be second guessing every move he makes. As far as I'm concerned, all trust is broken, and when that's gone - there's a massive part of a relationship destroyed.

Lou, be strong! You have made it this far already, with everything else that has happened recently, I'm confident that you'd do well on your own and create a new life.

My heart seriously goes out to you! Big Bear Hugs for you darl!

P.S. confide in someone you trust about this, I can almost guarantee you'll feel just a little better having a real shoulder to cry on!

All the best!

Hey Lou... My gosh, you must be feeling really horrible right now. I'm having quite a bad year aswell. My uncle committed suicide last november, which was the biggest shock and very devestating to my whole family. My mother had me quite young, so he was only 9 years older than me so he was more like a big brother and i miss his terribly. I have a 14 month old son and my partner left me for another woman [who has a 4 year old child] just over a month ago. We had been having problems for a while and he was very lazy,[hasnt even worked for the past 6 months] so i'm actually relieved he is gone - but i'm really sad for my son. He doesnt come to visit very often and is moving to QLD [i live in syd] today with his 'new found family'. But back to your situation - you know, what your husband has done is pretty bad. I know that being unfaithful is really wrong, but if it happened all those years ago and confessed to you about having a child by someone else would perhaps make things a litte easier to accept, however he has been living a double life for 8 years and still after all that you had to hear it from a complete stranger, it's really disgusting - how does he live with himself. It also makes me think if it's the only time he has been unfaithful [sorry i dont mean to put thoughts into your head]. I guess you have a big decision to make. You could get as much advise from people as you can, but you have to do what is best for you and your family. Being a single mum with 1 child is hard enough [i know] but you have 8 kids. Good luck with it all, take care and be strong!!!
WOW

I just can't imagine how hard this would be for you right now. I suggest a call to the Dr and then get into some counseling. Don't try and deal with this situation alone. Call on friends and family as well.

As for you're husband.....well i would start by either kicking him out for now or him sleeping in another room. I would be getting a DNA test (unless you're husband agree's the childs his) and then go from there.

I'm not sure if you want to salvage this relationship but i would be thinking long and hard about it. I know alot of people stay in a relationship because they think it's better for the children but alot of the time its not....i have 4 step children.....

If it were me i couldn't stay with him, i know you have seven children with him and looking after you're sisters child and i realise just how hard it will be. But you don't deserve and a man that could cheat on you, birth a child then hide and lie for all those years. I'd never be able to trust him again, i would always be questioning and the relationship would just fall apart because you would always be wondering. Do you really want to be with a man that can lie dead to you're face about a life you knew nothing about. Can you really respect and trust a man like that????? its not like he even just cheated on you once and it was a mistakr................he hid it and lied the whole time. I'd be wondering what else was going on. Its not like he told a white lie either , he has lied about his whole life.

I'm so sorry you have to go through this.....i feel for you. I hope you get through this

thinking of you.

Holy crap!! Big hugs for you!! It must be so hard to stay strong when all you want to do is fall apart. Remember you are not to blame, he has done this to your family. I think you would be well rid of him, how dare he disrespect you and your family like that!!
Hi there sweetie,
After reading you post i felt like i just had to answer to say that my heart breaks for you.

When bad things happen to someone over and over again and they overcome it with dignity and grace i believe that they are put on this earth for a very special reason.

You may not know this but you are an inspiration to me and i'm sure many, many others. You have 8 children to look after that in it self is amazing. Dealing with grief and still managing not to break down is amazing. Finding out this horrible news and not loosing it totally is amazing. You are a strong person.

Personally when i am going though tough times i reflect on my life as a whole and try to see the bigger picture. I also draw strength and wisdom from prayer and my guardian angels.
Also i look at my child and see that he needs me and that gives me courage. I truly believe that children are great healers as they are innocent and love unconditionally. Let your children help you through this. Tell them 'mummy is very upset today do any of you have any suggestions to make mummy happy?' There answers will bring you happiness and peace. I'm not asking you to burden them with details but they can tell you are hurting and if you give then the opportunity to help they will also feel good about themselves.

There is a saying "When you cry, you cry alone. But when you smile the whole world smiles with you."
Your husband has done a horrible thing but it is you and you alone that know what is the right thing to do, follow your heart.

I am not sure if i have help but i wish you luck. Remember you truly are an earth angel.
HUGS
HI Lou,
I am sending you a hug firstly. It is a tragic situation to be in. I know most posts have said leave him and i spose to me that is a knee jerk reaction and i spose it is granted given what your husband has done.

I am a mother and step mother of 9 children. My husband has the bulk of the kids 5 to 3 different women.

In your post you say the mother of his daughter came and told you what was going on. has your husband agreed with her story?? I would be asking my self WHY she has done this to you. I know you are focusing on your husbands wrong doings but why is she doing this. Has he called it off and she is now causing waves so you DO kick him out to come running to her?
Please don't take this the wrong way, and i don't want to upset you as i am sure you are no doublt hurting like hell. but you need to sit back and analise this situation with your husband by your side. and i am in no means taking his side. If he is responsible he needs to step up and be questioned.

I do agree with another post that a DNA should be done, wether he agrees that she is his or not. Who is saying that this mother of the daughter didn't sleep around and she tried to trap him years ago and now has lived the lie for years.

Your husband needs to answer some big questions for you and i would suggest that you write them down over the next few days and ask him all at one time.
I know you are a strong woman as you have had many hurdles in your life which some you are still overcoming. You have 7 beautiful boys and your sisters beautiful angel you have to try and find the light here for you and your children. You are truely a wonderful mother and person.

Life has many twists and turns and it is what we make it, i am not saying for him to go or to stay that is up to you both as husband and wife to decide and work through. But i doo know that working through some twists and turns is better than making your own by cutting all ties.

Give yourself some time to digest what has just happened as it is huge and a horrible thing. You need to feel strong again to talk to your husband about this. And lets face it it is not going a way in a hurry.

And i do agree that it is great to have someone you can sincerly trust to cry on their shoulder and that they understand what you are going through. I hope you have someone close that you can trust becasue you need them right now.
Please keep in touch and feel free to pm me if you what to talk at anytime i will always listen.
Warm regards

Amanda Qld

i really feel for you in the cheating part.my exhusband cheated on me and when i found out my god did it hurt.he broke my heart.first thing i would be asking is do you sill love me and do you want to be with me.trust well there would be no more trust.he betrayed that.maybe yous all need to sit down,i no it would be hard but then you would no where you stand and she would no where she stands.oh my god then you have the little girl.be strong and think of you and all your kids.goodluck and keep us updated.all the best.
Oh i am so sorry that you have to be going through this! Hugs
I just had to reply cause i really disagree with the last comment by mumof5 (no offence) but i think what you said about asking him if HE still loves you and if HE still wants to be with you.. ah ah! NO WAY You cannot do that! You need to take control of your own life now! YOU need to deside if you still love and YOU need to decide if YOU still want to be with him ect... don't hand over your control to him. I've been there before and i know it really hurts and you just want to put it all behind you and go back to normal and stop the hurt and you won't want him to leave you but he is the one that done something wronge so don't give him all the power here you need to take some time out and really think about this.. let some time pass without him around maybe and just get over the big hurt and think about this properly.. ask yourself can you learn to trust him again? Do you want to try and forgive him? Can you get past the hurt? and the list goes on. I'd just say mainly don't rush any decisions and just really remember these are YOUR decisions! He's the one that messed up... don't let him make the decisions and then regret it later on if he does it again. You have to except that if you stay with him it could happen again and is that something you can handle again? is he worth it?

Sorry for babbling.. I really hope you can move on from this with or without him and mend your heart

BTW the person i went through cheating on me years ago was my now husband but we were teenagers and i forgave him and he done it again another two times and i still think about it sometimes and it still hurts but i do trust him now it's been about 7 years now and it was before we had kids together. If it happened now i'd kick him out and move on.. in my opinion once having kids together it changes everything but that's me personally. Just thought i'd show you that sometimes things can still work out but i also got burnt two more times back then. I just asked myself if i was stronge enough to deal with it if it happened again and if i still loved him and i decided to stay with him. Anyway good luck hun
[Edited on 12/06/2008]

jamie 6yrs dylan 3yrs davan 18mths No4 EDD 11.9.09

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